Try as I might, it’s become quite the task, this attempting to retain values so many seem to feel outdated anymore. So many Americans cluster themselves into groups of assorted wackiness to find some sort of acceptance or validation, I suppose. I’m a live and let live sort of fellow, a non-militant not seeking or asking for anyone’s approval of my particular whims and peccadilloes. I’m not suing a clergyman, demanding he marry me and a Challenger Hellcat (even though I am in love,) nor am I demanding that anyone bake me a cake for the reception. I’m in no clubs, gangs, or societies, my last formal affiliation being with the train wreck otherwise known as the Republican Party.
That said, I’m a caring, sensitive sort of man, not actively looking to offend anyone. So if in my humble little blog I can raise awareness for those suffering under the heavy yoke of oppression, I’ll certainly do so.
Thus, we turn our gaze toward a current national headline concerning the terribly offensive term associated with the Washington Redskins.
I find myself in great sympathy with those poor souls offended by what surely is a deeply offensive word. The term has caused great angst and heartache for millions of American victims for many, many years. It is high time that we seek an alternative, a less offensive term that would be palatable for the masses. Not everyone can be pacified, but let us never say we didn’t make an effort.
So, for your consideration, I offer my suggestions to replace the ugly, reprehensible designation:
– Los Angeles Redskins. L.A. has plans for a new stadium. They have great potential ownership. Ready made fan base. A region large enough for two NFL teams that has none. The players could enter the arena on a red carpet. Jack Nicholson could give the team halftime pep talks in his Colonel Nathan Jesup character from A Few Good Men. On the downside, it would be torture having to watch Barbra Streisand warble the national anthem.
– Denver Redskins. Denver, the major city closest to Lakewood, Colorado, site of the infamous “gay wedding cake” fiasco, where a baker was sued by a gay couple when he refused to do as they said. He lost the suit, and was forced to attend some sort of sensitivity indoctrination. The Denver Redskins could take attention off of this other controversy, and hopefully bring some peace, and closure to the offended, victimized gay couple who simply wish to live their lives in peace and quietness, as they share a slice of their triple layer devil’s food cake.
– Minnesota Redskins. I’ll be silent no more. For too long, Vikings have suffered in silence (both on and off the field.) Where are the Viking defenders? Who feels their pain? Name one Viking advocate. Is there a Reverend Erik Gustavson preaching about the plight of this oppressed demographic? It’s time for a cool change. Where better than Minnesota?
– Chicago Redskins. Can you see the revamped Saturday Night Live skit now? Mike Ditka, George Wendt, and the gang with faces painted, feathered headdresses on, doing the tomahawk chop while chowing down on raw bear (sorry) meat, bellowing “Duh Injuns.” While some would have reservations, it would be a brave move.
– New York Redskins. To replace the Jets, not the Giants. “The Jets” doesn’t really strike fear into any opponent. But that’s beside the point. Say what you will, New York is terribly offensive, but it isn’t the king of the offenders. High taxation, terrible congestion, rude behavior, and smelly taxicabs. But it’s still a contender. Start spreadin’ the news.
– Atlanta Redskins. A logical move. A potential owner with deep pockets, and a beautiful part of the country that doesn’t have a professional football team. And no one is offended at all by the name. Well, no one except Sherman and Lincoln, but they’re long gone. Imagine! An NFL franchise in Atlanta, finally! Hey uh hey uh hey uh hey uh!
– Las Vegas Redskins. A name once deeply offensive, marred by the influx of the mafia, crime and seedy behavior. But Vegas is retooling itself. It is now a family friendly destination. Good clean fun, although it would be really neat to have Joe Pesci as the head coach. “So like, there’s all these holes out in the desert, you know? One more interception, wise guy, and we might just have to go for a little drive. Am I making myself clear? Look at me when I’m talking to you.”
– Kansas City Redskins. Another good choice. I can’t think of anything offensive about Kansas City. I hear they have good barbecue and lots of pretty women there. The transition from “Chiefs” would be easy enough, and shouldn’t ruffle any, uh, feathers.
– Cleveland Redskins. Pretty similar to K.C. They already have the Indians, so the change would compliment the move. Fans could paint the town red. They could kickoff each game playing “Indian Reservation” by Paul Revere and the Raiders. Plus, Cleveland has the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Now, that’s all right, mama!
– San Francisco Redskins. Let’s face it. The Bay area needs a break. Culturally diverse, stunningly beautiful, rich in history. Yet for far too long, it has been an offense, its otherwise good name marred by its association with freedom bandits like the Brown boys, Willie and Jerry, Nancy Pelosi and DiFi. It is time to reclaim the name, and make it acceptable again. We could rename the stadium “49ers Field,” so as to minimize offense to the, the, uh, 49ers. Nobody knows who they are anyway.
– Birmingham Redskins. Like their neighbor to the east, Birmingham has no professional football team. What they do have is a name that associated with one thing. Victimology. No, two things. Victimology and marching. They do a lot of marching, (really, just walking slowly down a street for no particular reason.) Birmingham is a city forever stuck in the 1960’s, and they refuse to leave. Their big contribution to culture is a civil rights museum. “Honey, pack up the kids, and load up the station wagon! It’s vacation time and we’re headed to the civil rights museum!” “How much farther to the civil rights museum, daddy?!!!” There are plenty of victims in Birmingham, all suffering under the iron fist of The Man. Call Ty Pennington or Jon Taffer. It’s time for City Impossible.
That’s a good start. There may be other place to park the Redskins name and logo, far away from its current highly offensive home. What we need it a bold stand, real leadership from a true visionary. Someone who isn’t afraid to be a Lone Ranger.
Know what I mean, Kimosabe?
© Copyright 2015 Tim Holcombe