Keeping It Legal. Really Legal.

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The origin of laws begins when Moses delivered The Ten Commandments to the children of Israel. Those ten should have been good enough, one would think, but since that time, humans have been wrangling with one another over finer points of this law or that law.

Laws and lawyers are all around us, and there’s evidently a killing to be made from the profession which produces legal evangelists on billboards and T.V. commercials, inviting us to sue people who served us hot coffee or otherwise hurt our feelings.

Anyone should agree we Americans suffer from way yonder too many laws. But there are laws on the books in all fifty states that you might need to brush up on. After all, we all wish to be good citizens. Thus, here’s a few dandies from all fifty states that will bring the reader up to speed, and keep you out of any legal trouble.

 

ALABAMA:  Be careful the next time you yell “War Eagle!” or Roll Tide!” Don’t get over-zealous with your partying, because in Mobile, it is illegal to have, make, or throw confetti.

ALASKA:  Don’t be too friendly to the wildlife.  In Fairbanks, it’s illegal to serve alcohol to a moose. (Apparently nothing on the books about boozing it up with a bear.)

ARIZONA:  Hope you’re not a dipper or baseball player. In Goodyear, you’ll go to jail and be fined $2500 if you spit publically.

ARKANSAS:  You’ll be in violation of the law if you mispronounce the name of the state.

CALIFORNIA: Hope you’ve got some Nikes. Unless you own at least two cows, it’s illegal to wear cowboy boots in Blythe.

COLORADO:  This law really sucks. If you lend your vacuum to your neighbor in Denver, you’ll be breaking the law.

CONNECTICUT: If your cucumber does not bounce, it cannot legally be called a pickle.

DELAWARE: Your little goblins better take a wristwatch with them when they go trick or treating. If they do it before 6, or after 8, they’ll be wearing their outfits in the back of a squad car.

FLORIDA: It’s illegal to sell your child in Florida. (Apparently there was no debate about whether you can sell your mother.)

GEORGIA: On Sundays, it is illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your back pocket. (You may, however, carry an ice cream cone in your back pocket Monday through Saturday. Whew!)

HAWAII: If you don’t own a boat, you face a fine.  Book ’em, Dan-O

IDAHO: You’ll be breaking the law if you fish from the back of a giraffe or camel.

Do you need to read that again? Are you asking the obvious question?

ILLINOIS: Be sure you’ve got cash on you in Illinois, where it is illegal to be in public without at least one dollar on your person. (Otherwise, you’re considered a vagrant.)

INDIANA: It’s illegal for liquor stores in Indiana to sell cold soft drinks. However, if they are not cold, it’s alright.  Uh, huh.

IOWA: Tom Selleck could  live here happily. It’s illegal in Iowa for a man to kiss a woman in public unless he has a mustache.

KANSAS: Hope you like showers.  It’s illegal to have a bathtub installed in your Topeka home.

KENTUCKY: It’s illegal to dye and sell live ducks. And when you sell live chicks or rabbits, you have to sell them in increments of at least six.

LOUSIANA: If you bite someone with your real teeth, you’ll be charged with simple assault. If you bite them with false teeth, you’ll be charged with aggravated assault. (If you feed them to your alligator, however, no one ever need know.)

MAINE: If you wish to go for a walk in Augusta, go for it. But leave your fiddle at home. Playing a violin while walking will have you playing for the other inmates.

MARYLAND: If you want to go to the movies, go ahead. However, if you take a lion with you, you’ll be breaking the law.

MASSACHUSETTS: If you’re a man who goes to Church on Sunday, you’d best be packing heat. It’s illegal to go to church without a rifle. Additionally, if you have a goatee, you have to obtain a special license to keep it.

MICHIGAN: Adultery is a felony, punishable by up to four years in prison.  However, refuge for this crime can generally be found in 49 other states.

MINNESOTA: You uh, cannot sleep naked in Minnesota. Neither can you cross the state line with a duck on your head.

MISSISSIPPI: You can walk around with a duck on your head in Mississippi, but it’s illegal to have more than one illegitimate child. It’s a misdemeanor which carries a fine and jail time.  (However, it does not affect your government benefit or tax status.)

MISSOURI: You can’t get your elephant drunk in Natchez, where it’s illegal to give any intoxicant to pachyderms. (Could be a problem should the Crimson Tide ever visit.)

MONTANA:  You can play frisbee golf in Montana, but only on a specific course in Helena. Because you know, there’s just not enough room to play it anywhere else.

NEBRASKA: Might like to have a bowl of soup with your beer. You’re in luck. It’s illegal to serve beer in any Nebraska bar without having soup for sale as well. I’ll have the Michelob Ultra and some Mullagatony.

NEVADA: If someone kills your dog and you’re out for revenge, it’s legal to hang the offender.  (It’s also apparently legal to take your lion with you to the movies.)

NEW HAMPSHIRE: If you’re listening to music in public, it’s uh, against the law to keep time to the music in any manner.

Wanna read that one again?

NEW JERSEY: It’s illegal to commit murder. It’s also illegal to wear a bulletproof vest while commiting murder. Really, who likes a killer who is out of step with the latest fashions?

NEW MEXICO: The state song is “Oh Fair New Mexico” but if you start singing it, you’d better know the words. It’s illegal to sing only a portion of the song.

NEW YORK:  You’ll get a fine of $25 for flirting.  Flirting. Flirting is illegal in New York.

NORTH CAROLINA: Better get your lard the respectable way. Stealing kitchen grease is illegal. And if you steal more than a thousand dollars worth, it’s a felony. Incidentally, this is not some old, archaic statute. This law was passed in 2012. (And be careful. North Carolina is where Deputy Fife resides.)

NORTH DAKOTA: It’s against the law to serve beer and pretzels together at a bar or restaurant. (But you can have all the grease from the kitchen you like.)

OHIO: What’s the deal with getting animals boozed up? In the Buckeye State, you’re breaking the law if you get a fish drunk.

OKLAHOMA: Better buy some wigs, ladies. Sooner gals may wind up behind bars with their Aqua Net. It’s illegal for women to fix their own hair, unless they have a state license.

OREGON: Better order two milkshakes at the drive in. It’s illegal to share a drink in Oregon.

PENNSYLVANIA:  If you want to catch a fish, you’d better hook him in the mouth. You’re breaking the law if you catch a fish using any other method. No noodling, Bubba.

RHODE ISLAND: You’ll face jail time of 1 to 20 years if you bite off anyone’s limbs. However, if you can prove you bit off his arm accidentally, you’ll likely not be prosecuted.

 

SOUTH CAROLINA:  Hope you’re working at Chick-Fil-A or Hobby Lobby. It’s illegal to work on Sundays. It’s also illegal to get a tattoo on any day.

SOUTH DAKOTA: If you visit the Fountain Inn in South Dakota, you can bring your horse with you. However, your horse must be wearing pants. On at least two legs, I assume.

TENNESSEE: Your buddy will have to buy his own Netflix subscription. It’s illegal in Tennesee to share your password.

TEXAS: If you’re running for public office, you’d best not be an atheist. The law declares you must first acknowledge the “existence of a Supreme Being.”

UTAH: Can’t have a beer in a container larger than two litres. You can, however, get your fish drunk or bite off your friend’s arm.  We think.

VERMONT: In the city of Barre, it’s illegal to take a bath on Saturday night.  Maybe it’s okay before 6 p.m., I’m not sure.

VIRGINIA: Trick-or-treating is illegal.  Good. More bite size Butterfingers for me.

WASHINGTON: If you’re riding into town with any criminal intentions, you must first stop at the city limits and call the police.  After this, you’re free to continue with your criminal intentions.

WEST VIRGINIA: West Virginia throws us a curveball. Enough of what you cannot do. This state declares it completely legal to pick up road kill, take it home and cook it for supper.  “Look here Loretta! I done brung us home a possum!”

WISCONSIN: Tattoos are illegal, unless it’s being done for medical reasons. Maybe you could get a tattoo of a thermometer.

WYOMING: You can fish here, but only with a rod or pole. It’s against the law to use a firearm to catch fish. Guess they never saw “Jaws.”

 

My best advice is to move to Montana. Unless you enjoy frisbee golf.

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